what i learned after thirty-five years of marriage

august 6th is a very special day in the djalali family. back in 1983, this is the date the djalali house was established. like clockwork when the calendar rolls around to the sixth of august mr. style and i throw on some special duds and celebrate our anniversary. this year marks number thirty-five. considering i remember when i turned thirty-five it’s definitely a number to be reckoned with. it has substance and longevity. forgive me if i tear up for a moment remembering our wedding day, but there were so many smiling faces celebrating that special day that are no longer with us. i’m certain the same holds true for you. if we’ve walked this earth for any number of years, we’ve tearfully bid farewell to loved ones. like my dad who battled cancer when wedding preparations were in full swing, and he walked me down the aisle. what a handsome fifty-year-old he was with glints of silver streaking through his hair. no one would have guessed the health woes dealt with this man if you weren’t personally acquainted with him. until the bitter end, he was always the picture of vitality and strength. in the back of my mind, i always thought he just might beat this disease. i’m pretty sure the same thoughts swirled in his head too – we were so alike in so many ways. and my mother who stood by his side looking as beautiful as ever in an up-to-date knee-length dress of her choosing. a white hat perched on top of her head. then there was my nana, white hair coiffed in her typical ‘do’ doling out advice and giving me a smooch on my lips every chance she had. a smile spread wide on her face lined with wrinkles. how i loved each one knowing my love was returned in full measure.

it’s funny, but after thirty-five years no one remembers when the djalali’s weren’t a family of five – mr. style, me, alex, andrew, and christian pulling up the rear. but at the beginning, it was just me and mr. style venturing out on our own. we weren’t necessarily kids at the time of our nuptials. mr. style was thirty-one, and this girl was just about to turn twenty-five. but take a look at those baby faces that went out into the world with only a hope and a prayer.

some say marriage should be split fifty/fifty. sounds fair, doesn’t it? honestly, who wants to tackle an overflowing basket of laundry on sunday night? or make that overdue dentist appointment? hire help if it’s in your budget. not only does it spur the economy but there’s one less thing on your to-do list to hassle over. but there’s rarely a time when life is evenly divided. with chores or anything else. sometimes the load weighs in at eighty/twenty, other times thirty/seventy. and there are those rare occasions when it’s one hundred to zero. life has a way of throwing a curve ball any time it wants – three strikes you’re out. having a partner by your side through thick and thin is far more important than who’s washing the dishes on any given night. through the years mr. style and i have weathered life-threatening diseases, promotions, job losses, surgeries, births, award ceremonies, selling homes, buying homes, car accidents, baseball games, soccer parties, blizzards, tornadoes, and typhoons. let’s not even talk about teaching our boys to drive, handing over the keys to the car, or college tuition… but then college graduations soon followed, and we knew it was worth every penny. life is good for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to have and to hold, until death do us part.

so what’s the secret to a happy marriage? well, to begin with, happiness is a feeling that comes and goes at will. love is a verb and based on commitment. so choose love over happiness. and never stop dating. that’s right, mr. style and i have been going out on dates every week for thirty-five years.

remember, you’re on the same team. mr. style and i have very different approaches to life, but we have the same common goals. remembering that we’re a team and that teams work together helps get us through our differences. and teammates always have your back!

fight fair. be respectful and never ever take a pot shot in the heat of the moment. words can be forgiven but never taken back.

sexy is as sexy does. what’s better than watching your husband brave a torrential downpour, climb into the car and drive within an inch of where you’re standing? now that’s what i call sexy.

enjoy things on your own. and let your partner have their own interests too. you’ll both be far more interesting because of it. mr. style loves to play golf, and i love to read.

sex is important. not only does it release endorphins that make you feel fantastic, sex improves your mood, relieves stress and calms you down. according to studies, sex helps you look younger. it’s not just your imagination, ladies; you really do look better after having sex. your skin glows!

dress | shoes | similar handbag | similar earrings | bracelet | lip shade darling

take care of your appearance. it’s easy to let your looks slide at any age let’s face it there are so many competing priorities for our time and energy. or we may even think it sounds shallow. and, no, you don’t have to look like helen mirren when you flop on the couch at nine pm, and it’s time to wrangle with the remote control. but there’s something bigger at stake. when we look and feel our best, the world notices and so does our husband.

learn how to agree to disagree. respect each other’s differences. it’s what makes the world go round.

don’t try to change your spouse. the only person you can ever change is yourself, and that’s a full-time job and then some. accept your partner exactly as they are.

stay flexible.

say thank you. and don’t forget to laugh – at life, at yourself, at each other. laughter doeth good like medicine.

a big thank you to the talented Chloe Enos Photography for these amazing photographs. if you live in the Atlanta area and in need of a photo shoot, please check out this talented woman. just sayin’!

and a bigger thank you to mr. style a.k.a. mak. together we’re makbeth (he loves to share that intel at cocktail parties). this is the man behind the camera on any given day at Style at a Certain Age. and my partner in crime for thirty-five years and counting. happy anniversary!

Beth Djalali

is the Founder and CEO of Style at a Certain Age. She writes Sundays-Fridays on all topics ranging from fashion, health, wellness, home design and more.

She’s 63, 5’8, and size 8.

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